How to Pass Time in Quarantine – Tosh.0


we all know 65 is the current world record for the number of pencils broken in one minute let's take a look at the highlights of that great moment in sports history if you did this with colored pencils you'd be arrested for a hate crime some records will never be broken which is why I will be competing in the crayon division I'm going to break 64 crayons in 1 minute only clean breaks will count and I'm allowed one water break get set go I'm going to take my water break now resume the clock dad was just mean I'm never letting him sleep over at the ranch again what a prick any man over 40 on the Instagram is weird and that weirdo is performance artist yawn Hakan Eriksson he has over 500 of these artsy balloons snuff films real long winters in Norway's my guests time well spent balloons aren't his only medium he also dabbles in dry pasta but mainly balloons I see his work as a metaphor about how all arts programs should be defunded immediately as a tribute to Yann I decided to pop the most erotic balloons of them all [Laughter] this is obviously an art piece about how sex has become too safe in the workplace everyone knows that the most exciting thing about intercourse is spending the next three months terrified that someone's pregnant my favorite new website it teaches you how to make sex toys out of everyday things lying around the house like the sponge off that's where you wring out two sponges put them in a juice cup with some Lube then go to town and there are options for you girls to like the balloon rub all you got to do is make a water balloon coat it in some KY and rub it on your red snapper these inspired me to make my own sex toy and so far the ladies love it thanks for helping me test my sex zipline Jessa how does this work again I'm glad you asked perhaps this chart will help see Jessa I am gonna zip into your sniz edge fair enough [Music] I can't hold it I'm about oh I am so sorry this never happened to me before you know what maybe you should just go I'll call you tomorrow are you kidding me you [ __ ] your zip line sucks thanks for helping us out Jessa I still can't believe Dakota Fanning passed on that bit how quickly we progress to round number two of the San Marvel rally here in 2017 starters in the blocks and we are ready to go down this course conditions very similar to what we had in the first race but the order is different off they go we'll see how differently the field is stratified as they work their way down this course already a much tighter race up front a lot of marbles trying to stay off of the walls as best they can you see Nemo that orange marble in the center of your screen red number three also lost a lotta ground compared to where they were at this stage in the first round now the Trump has canceled the NFL this is my new favorite fall sport it's the 2017 sand marble tournament this guy sets up dozens of courses names each marble and even those play-by-play you might think it's stupid but his videos have a combined 91 and a half million views well that's a lot of marbles let's get back to the race lollipop around the outside not back to the inside but as an odd little job by big pearl of blockin lollipop who might lose out second place to summer sky here she comes that gives big curl a little bit of breathing space and now that space is gone as soon as I say that they're coming down here to the finish line and no not gonna catch her big pearl wins the race Congrats to big pearl I'm told she's refusing her invitation to the White House you know the doping accusations have no merit because she is a marble I hold a similar race here at the show over by the craft service table the winner Sean Patrick Flanery complaint powder now I need some coffee I'm on an all whole diet i'll eat any whole regardless of size color shape it's been said amongst Hollywood execs over Comedy Central that you shouldn't show a guy resetting prime numbers for three hours on television but I'm unconventional two three five nineteen thousand seven hundred and fifty-one yeah Wes Anderson slowest movie yet hope he does thirds next that's irrational numbers left in their root form eeeh dummies spoiler alert he doesn't blow his brains out at the end I know total letdown two can play at that game I have more Twitter followers than there are prime numbers I think and everyone appreciates a shout out so over the course of three hours I will list your names one by one from memory all 27 million of you let's start with my verified followers there's John Cena NASA The Ellen Show the real Gary Mann alright now for your regular folks one ton anorexic Russian troll 666 real a jwilks Jeffrey Smoot 65 Marty 74 underscore Marty buck mulligan 10 Milwaukee I ate my shirt that's not a follower I ate my shirt if you didn't hear your Twitter handle it's because I'm unity in season 1 you

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